Our team of reporters has uncovered a confidential memo from PETA to its members. And by “uncovered” we mean “totally wrote PETA’s playbook ourselves because we know this is exactly what they are thinking.” You have to read this.
TO: PETA Members
FR: PETA HQ
RE: SeaWorld Response
SeaWorld is at it again. We need your help to fight back.
We’ve recently received word that SeaWorld is out there actually SAVING animals. What’s more, they’re being good stewards of the environment!
This runs COMPLETELY counter to the picture we’ve been trying to paint, so naturally, we CANNOT, under any circumstances, let this get out. If people knew the truth about SeaWorld, it would make us even more irrelevant than we already are.
One way to combat this would be to use our considerable resources to go out there and actually, like, save animals. But that would require sooooo much work.
And we’re not very good at that whole “working” thing. We ARE, however, good at cheap, pointless publicity stunts. So we’re going to “go with what we know,” and are outlining the following “playbook,” if you will, in response to SeaWorld’s efforts. Below are some sample responses to SeaWorld:
1. When SeaWorld goes out and saves penguins, like when they saved 21,000 of them during the Treasure oil spill in South Africa, we should terrify children with images of blood-soaked clowns in “Unhappy Meals.”
2. When SeaWorld releases 2,000,000 endangered white sea bass into the ocean, it would be a great time to lie to parents about milk causing autism.
3. SeaWorld’s “Happy Tails” program has gotten 30,000 dogs adopted. We cannot let this stand, and need to launch an ad campaign that objectifies women and depicts them as sexually submissive.
4. SeaWorld rescues sea lions all the time. The rescued 14 when Hurricane Katrina devastated the Gulf Coast. We have to fight back by launching a porn site.
5. Also, SeaWorld frequently goes out and cleans up beaches. We’re not going to get off our butts for something like that, when we can just fire off a letter demanding an irrelevant band change its name!
6. SeaWorld’s Conservation Fund has donated like $10,000,000 to conservation projects spanning every continent. We don’t have that kind of jack…unless it’s to spend on a Super Bowl commercial about women touching vegetables erotically.
7. Last but not least, it’s really, really difficult for us to deny the fact that SeaWorld has helped rescue and/or rehabilitate more than 23,000 animals in 50 years – and that while we’re staging protests, their rescue teams are on call 24/7, coordinating with federal, state and local agencies. So in response, bringing up Nazis or the holocaust is always a winner.
Feel free to come up with something even more attention-grabbing and depraved than we have done in the past! The gutter is the limit!
Remember – it’s all about getting attention the animals.
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia)